You Beckon Me To Leave All That I've Known.

Awkward, insecure, friendless, 13.  It was 1996.  113,646 people called Sioux Falls home.  Downtown was mostly known for looping and being unsafe.  My mom’s recent diagnosis and lack of High School options in Martin, Michigan led us to a sweet little house on the East side of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. 

I had no idea.  

I didn’t know I would meet my first kindred spirits in Kara Ledeboer and Joslyn Else.  I didn’t know I would find my voice, bits of confidence, and an awesome sense of humor...until I did.  A good day is the day you wake up and say to yourself “I don’t feel like I’m pretending to be anyone else anymore”. 

I didn’t know I would go to college and have a professor tell me he wouldn't let me pretend I wasn't smart anymore and, because of that confidence in me, I'd fall in love with learning. Or that I would catch the eye of a spicy stud muffin from Wyoming.  I didn’t know that, instead of seeing me as somewhat of a disappointment, God rejoices in what He made and I am a part of that.  I didn't know I would have the opportunity to surround myself with people that felt safe and true; the kind of people who choose you, show up with food when you have a sick baby, know your parents, ask big and small questions, invite challenge, lovingly correct and mostly ARE.  People are either with you because it’s convenient, with you because a season of life brings you together, or are plain and simply with you (this is something I have had to remind myself of over and over again this last year).

Some relationships change drastically because they are no longer safe (or you discover they never were). Some surprise you and distance somehow brings you closer together.  And some…some take the unexpected for you to see; like the gift of a niece that brings to light just what your brother is capable of.  I hold on to people like others do money or trinkets or memories or knowledge.  I try to collect those who make me a better wife, friend, mother, lover of Jesus, daughter, thinker; you know who you are and I feel fiercely protective of what we’ve built.  I know you do too.  

Seasons of life bring change, albeit our greatest attempts at maintaining the known. Jobs change. Coworkers change. Financial status. Neighbors. Demands. Needs. Families. Comfort. Marriages change….if we’re lucky, we change and grow too.  Sometimes it takes time and sometimes it happens quickly.  Sometimes it’s by choice and sometimes circumstance.

We are moving to Chugwater, Wyoming.  Population - 212. A part of Jeremy’s soul has always been there and because of that he has a discontentment here he can't shake.  I used to resent that but I don’t anymore.  Timing is one of the ways God points me to him.  Want to find great love?  You can’t pay any sum of money for that.  Want a baby?  Not your choice when or if it happens.  Want a job that makes you feel fulfilled and pays enough to make life make sense?  Sometimes you have to wait.  Want a cozy house to call your own and a safety net of people who really love you?  That takes hard work and investment.  Want to know what next year looks like...or even tomorrow? We don’t.  No matter how much control we think we have, it isn’t ultimately up to us.  

It’s time to go.  

I fear I’ll lose myself.  I cried out to God and said “But I love my life here!” and heard “No. You love life.” I do.  I love driving down the road, windows down, blasting music with nowhere to go.  I love lush grass and bare feet.   I love dance parties and laughing so hard I cry.  I love creative outlets, like writing, that make me feel closer to God and myself.  I love working jobs that give purpose and life.  I love sharing, making people happy, rainy day naps, black coffee and finding new music .  I love text threads with soul mates who live close and far away.  I love decorating and thrifting and organizing.  I love folding little socks and pants and thinking about how some day my boys will be men.  I love being Jeremy’s wife and how I don’t feel quite like myself when he’s not around.  I love good food, 3 hour dinner conversations and new places.  I love making connections and teaching my children to notice people; to care about more than themselves.  I love my neighbor's kids, that they know where to find snacks, and feel safe at my house. I love meticulously caring for my family.  I love that most days someone pops by for a visit.  But what I really love, what motivates my joy (which is so much more important than happiness), is knowing I am loved by Jesus.  

There are hard days; days when Satan wins and I believe I am not enough.  For Jeremy - my kids - my siblings - my parents - my friends - my work.   Simply stated…that I am unlovable.  

My friend Rachel left a 7 minute voicemail when I was in Wyoming for two weeks this past summer.  I was distraught with how deeply I'll miss my people.  My dad was lovingly painting the ranch house the color I picked (which is the first decision that made the decision to move feel real) and loneliness started to settle in...“What will you do here every day?” “This is Jeremy’s dream, not yours.” “No one is going to visit you.” “You won’t matter here.” “This is not your home to paint; it’s Lynn’s and she likes turquoise not navy blue.”  I dropped my dad off at the airport after that first week feeling insecure and uncertain. As I drove to pick Jeremy up from the airport the next day, I screamed a scream that left my vocal chords raspy and sore.  It just came out.  I maybe even said a cuss.  And then I saw Jeremy and Kristin walk toward me in the airport.  My friend who I met less than a year ago.  My friend who moved with her husband to Sioux Falls to pursue his life’s work.  My friend who probably felt like Sioux Falls was her Chugwater; who bought a $50 ticket to visit me after knowing me for 6 months. Significant.  She said, “When I found out you were moving, I had a decision to make…either I was going to distance myself or jump in.” She jumped in and the symbolism of her visit that second week was critical.  We went carpet shopping and antiquing and found an underpriced, legit cowhide rug.  We went on walks and she encouraged me and told me how beautiful it was there.  You know what else?  Four Chugwater couples, all with young children, took time to reach out to Jeremy and I.  One new friend has been praying for me on her runs.  One told me she doesn’t know me but cried tears of joy when she heard we were moving AND said I can have fresh eggs from her chickens. Community.  Community that didn’t exist there a mere 2 years ago.  Jeremy and I tried to move to Chugwater 3 years ago.  It would have been so much lonelier.  Timing always points me back to Him.  

And Rachel’s voicemail?  She told me she was spending time with Jesus in her closet (because that’s where you find Jesus when you have 3 littles).  She said she was crying about how much she loved me and didn’t want me to move and you know what He told her?  He said, “I began a good work in Tara and I will see it to completion.  I am not going to drop her off in Chugwater and tell her I’ll see her in heaven.  I know you love her but can you imagine how much I love her?”  Hot tears ran down my cheeks as I listened to 7 minutes of supportive adjectives and joy from Rachel Gage’s heart for me. She moved to Sioux Falls for her husband’s calling.  My friend Tracy moved to Sioux Falls because of her husband’s calling.  My friend Karen moved to Billings because her husband’s children are rooted there.  My friend Mandi chased her husband's dream to Nashville. My friend Danielle moved to Sioux Falls and back to Rapid City, with a week old baby, because of her husband’s calling. If these women hadn’t chosen their family’s and trusted their husbands, I wouldn’t have them in my corner; I wouldn’t have them speaking life into one of the hardest changes I’ve ever anticipated.  

Remember what I said about 1996?  A part of me will always be that awkward, insecure middle schooler who loved Barbies and ballet when the cool kids wore athletic clothes and prank called me pretending to be the boy I had a crush on...but I like that about me now; it’s given me character and made me a little scrappy.  I have developed a low tolerance for fake and a high standard for loyalty.  God blew my mind with what He has done here. I have to trust He will continue to do beautiful things, no matter where I am, if I lean into Him on hard days and rejoice with Him on good ones.  I eventually found my friend who would dress up in dance recital costumes and make homemade music videos with me...Kara, and others like her, have made everything better.  

Sioux Falls has changed too.  The population last year was 174,360 and downtown is now the place where fancy people want to live.  I will always claim it and a part of my soul will remain here - with you - with the people who have raised me, loved me, and befriended me.  

Frederick Buechner said, “One life on this earth is all that we get, and the obvious would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can.”  Here’s to being brave, no matter what your personal Chugwater is.  And not because we’ve got it all figured out or because it’s easy but because we know that we know how deeply we are Loved and Love can go anywhere.

Come visit. We’ll share a delicious meal (probably something paired with beef), soak up the goodness of simplicity, and talk all the things on my beautiful ranch house porch.  Until that anticipated visit, know Jeremy and I are grateful for what you are to us and miss you already.