I don’t want to be held hostage. I know this isn’t our home forever but it is all I know now and as this life continues to throw it’s tantalizing desires at me and my people; I can’t help but think that we’re all just slaves to wanting. There are beautiful, amazing things to dream for out of this life and there are also a lot of heaping piles of gross ones that tend to cloud our vision. I’m reading “A Million Miles In A Thousand Years” by Donald Miller. In one of the chapters he talks about living a better story and says, “I believe there’s a writer outside ourselves, plotting a better story for us, interacting with us, even, and whispering a better story into our consciousness.” He says we fight wanting the “boring life of self indulgence” and we fight a God who is wanting to help us write better stories but we ask for things like “some money and some sex and some comfort”. How ultimately boring.
Jeremy and I have been house hunting for months now. We went from not being able to get pre approved, due to the fact that we needed to be closer to his full time start date, to getting closer to a start date and feeling like there’s nothing we will both like. I love old homes with tons of character and creaky wooden floors and lots and lots of trees to hang a hammock and twinkly lights on and Jeremy wants a convenient home with a fenced in back yard and a two stall garage with a large, open floor plan. I thought I found one he would like the other day and Steven, my brother in law (who is also our realtor) brought us to it to check it out. Jeremy walked in and immediately had his face on. The one that says, “nice try but this was a waste of everyone’s time”. I was so sad; not because it was the perfect house (because it wasn’t) but because as I’ve lived this dreamy existence of flitting around with my best little pal this summer, there’s also been a friggin' cloud of want hanging over my head. I have had the best summer. Beck and I do whatever we want most days. I have had time to love on friends and family who have had either really good seasons of life or really terrible ones. I have soaked up sun and stayed in bed most mornings until nine cuddling Mr. 2.5 (that’s how old he’ll tell you he is). We’ve traveled, eaten delicious food, learned a lot about discipline and patience, and are just about to take our family pictures in our camper van.
So, what is this black rain cloud’s deal? I was up until 2am the other morning perusing realtor.com. I could not sleep and had this awful feeling that I was a burden; that I’m not working and/or making money for our family; that Steven’s probably sick of helping us look for a house; that we are living with friends and they probably want their space back; that I expect too much out of those that I love…blegh! (It’s important for me to say that Josh and Megan have not made us feel like a burden. Josh says things like: “I could live in community forever” “When are you coming home?” “I never see you guys” “Let’s plan a weekend together so I have something to look forward to”. Someone doesn’t talk like that or want to spend weekends with your family if he’s thinking you’re a burden.)
I decided while on a drive last week we are in captivity here; we are slaves to this business of wanting. If I have to choose between wanting a cozy home for my family or wanting to feel gratitude for right now…I am claiming gratitude. Who cares if we have to move in with my parents for a few months while we continue to house hunt? Who cares if we are living a hippie vagabond lifestyle this summer (isn’t that one of my dreams anyway)? Who cares if it’s unconventional! If you answered “I care!” to any of those questions…let’s not hang out.
I don’t want to be “keeping up with the Jones’” my entire life. I want to be joyful and free and grateful. God puts good things in our paths all the time and the rest, well…the rest is just Satan being a dick. Let’s think about what we want out of tomorrow a little bit less and soak up today...and call me if you want to go for a ride in my VW van with Beck and I because it’s awesome and I have time to give you a ride.
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