Christians are told lots of things. I can only attest for my experiences but I do know life is confusing, in general, so when you add the pressure of a good upbringing and a moral compass...it adds layers. For instance, the idea that something as natural and desirable as sex isn't allowed until you are married and sometimes even talked about like it's disgusting...is a whole casserole of "What the ?". There's a disconnect between being created to pursue the opposite sex, by our Creator, and our culture telling us not to talk about it. Well, I'm talking about it.
I have been married for 7 years now so I can fairly say I have been around enough "man conversations" to have a sound opinion about how guy's talk about/think about sex. Mine thinks about it a lot. It's a shockingly insatiable quest that I, for one, am thankful for. I know you're thinking "that's a mistype...thankful cannot be what she meant". I did. I feel equally exhausted by and thankful for the way my husband needs me. Someone told me, the night before my wedding that, "He will be able to get every physical and emotional need met by others (humor, affirmation, challenge, communication, etc)...except sex. Sex will be just yours. Own it." I didn't really know what that meant, but I do now. Jeremy needs me in that way like I need time with just him. Sometimes, ok a lot of times, this feels counteractive...like, "Hey! I miss you...let's get naked" because I'm thinking, "I miss you, let's talk and maybe get naked if we don't fall asleep to the sound of each other's voices". God really really made me different from my husband, but I'm learning it isn't fair to think my way is always the right way.
Can I bring up something? I am so tired of other women's private parts! I can't watch football with Jeremy and not be eye blasted by Victoria's Secret commercials or watch YouTube without seeing the newest music video of a female in a onsie-looking costume grinding with herself or watch The Voice and forget what's going on because Christina's cleavage reminds me of my mooning phase in high school. I really had a mooning phase...please don't judge me...butt cracks are hilarious. Please, for the love of every woman trying to keep her husband satisfied, put on some cute clothes, show how talented and intelligent you are, and to quote my husband, "Eat a cheeseburger!"...because you look really, really hungry.
Ok, what was I saying? Oh, the difference between men & women. My dad and I were talking about what I found in Jeremy and he said, "You needed an adventurer, someone who keeps life fun, and also a challenge...because you get bored easily". Dad's right. Jeremy's the funnest, funniest, most passionate person I've ever known. His friends look to him to plan, think up fun, bring people together, make up games, connect everyone, make them laugh, and most importantly...to always be there for them. People need Jeremy. This sometimes wears me out because I share him a lot, but I'm also learning that he's not just mine. My dream for him and his "bromances" would be that they would talk about God and seek the kind of fun that makes Him happy more often. They are funny and fun enough that they could do that. Jeremy's dream for me and my friends is that we would not talk about the serious things in life so much and just "be together". He thinks it's crazy how we try to solve all of the world's problems every time we get a minute to talk. I was having a really bad month a few months ago and got a weekend with one of my best friend's and Jeremy said, "Now, stop talking about what's bothering you and go have fun together: Eat a great dinner, go shopping, have a drink...be dudes". I did and it was awesome. If we give power to the negative in our lives'...it tends to overshadow the great things. Now, if only we could give & take these traits a little more. I guess that's one reason we need each other so much, men & women.
Back to sex. I heard so many ridiculous arguments for having it before I got married like, "How will you know he's good at it?" or "Don't you want to experience a few other people before you settle down?" or "It's just sex...stop making it such a big deal" or "Once you've had it...you can't go back to not having it" or even "He might leave you if you don't". Here's what I have to say, "1. Love makes it good. 2. Absolutely not. 3. Sex is a big deal. It is a game changer. 4. You sure can...I've known lots of awesome people who have 5. He didn't...in fact, I think it's one of the reasons he's still around."
This topic is one that either has too much power in our lives' or not enough. I do know that Christians have to stop talking about it like it's dirty. How are we supposed to go from thinking "gross" to "awesome" in one moment? I vote we start talking about it like it's the greatest, most precious, life long lesson in valuing your spouse and so, so worth waiting for so it can be the best possible version of itself. Married women: I challenge you (and myself) to make it a bigger deal. Men: Turn off the T.V., put your phone down, shut the computer....close distractions and focus on your wife. It will probably naturally be a bigger deal. For those of you waiting, it's worth it. To those of you who don't think you can wait, I promise you can. I've never once looked back and thought, "Oh, dang...you know what I wish I would have done".
You're amazing. Your story is important. God made you worthy. Don't let shame get in the way of you believing that. I listened to a beautiful Ted Talks on vulnerability this week...listen if you have a little time: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
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What about when you're 30, have wanted (feels like needed) to have sex since you were 16, have waited, there are literally no funny, attractive, single, Christian men left, and you feel like you're dead on the inside from not having any sort of physical attention? Oh, and while friends five or six years younger have sex with multiple people, get married, and have happy marriages? What if sex (even when you turn off the computer/phone/stay away from romance novels) pops into your brain at least once every hour? I respect and agree with everything you write, and that is why I (and many women like me, older than me) are still waiting. But it really isn't helpful to say, "keep waiting! you can do it!" when there is no real evidence that what we are waiting for will ever come to fruition. Neither is it helpful for the church to act like sexual purity is difficult for men because they crave it and easy for women because they don't.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the many reasons I said "from my perspective" because that's the only one I have access to. I got married when I was 23…that is really young. What you are describing sounds really freaking hard. I can say that I fell fast for Jeremy and it was harder for me when I was in love than it was when I was single or dating other guys. I hear some guys talk about women, even some who claim to know Jesus, and want to throw up. I also know some incredible Christian men who say the same thing "there's no one left"...I think that's a lie from the deceiver but again, there's no promise that your steadfast heart will be rewarded in this life. On the topic of hormones and men vs women-I have a handful of close girlfriends who are more "driven" than their husbands and that is a whole seperate discussion. It isn't fair to give men the excuse of their sex drives when it comes to lust as it isn't fair to say women don't lust...because I just did a few weeks ago while watching "Catching Fire"...I mean honestly, Peeta and Gale fighting over me would be about the best case scenario in my fantasy world. This is part of why I said this life is a whole casserole of what the...? I am sorry that you feel the way you do and I can attest to the fact that even when you are married insecurity and loneliness can rear its ugly head. That's when I have to tell myself this isn't my forever home and seeking my worth in Christ is the only thing that gives me full peace but that does not mean that what you're facing isn't a huge slice of poop pie. Thanks for commenting and if you want to talk more -look me up.
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