I was thinking about the title of my blog and wondered why I think it is insignificant to foreshadow the future. In part, because a lot of life has felt uncertain since we found out mom was sick. I was the tender age of twelve. We moved shortly after she was diagnosed because she wanted to be closer to family. I'm so thankful for that move. I didn't have a lot of friends in Michigan; maybe because I liked the company of barbies and cute little boys more than that of other girls. Mostly, that feels like a different life. I guess I had to grow up quicker than most middle schoolers because life has seemed a bit more serious since the night mom lost vision in one eye and the result was Multiple Sclerosis. I've thought some about how that's affected me, but not much and I certainly don't talk about it with very many people. I don't know if it's because it's too hard or because I know, now more than ever, that you just have to keep going. Like the little engine that could. If my mom can...I can.
J.K. Rowling says, "There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.” This quote, for me, resonates because of the sentence: "The moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you". That's powerful in a generation that seems relatively stuck in an elongated childhood state of existence. I hear a lot of people talk about how their parents affected/affects who they are and find myself doing the same, at times. Yes, our environment(s) has/had major influence on our development but at some point we have to recognize we are the main drivers in this thing called life and claim our choices as your own.
If I think honestly about why I don't like to plan far into the future (or sometimes not even for tomorrow) I think the hard truth is I am genuinely scared. What if it doesn't go the way I planned? What about dreams that are smashed by reality? What if I let myself down...or worse...what if I let Jeremy down...or worse...what if Jesus is disappointed? If I "go where the wind takes me" and don't think too hard about tomorrow, it won't hurt as much if it doesn't work out the way I thought it would/should. What's ironic is my mom has responded by going 100% the opposite direction. She needs control of the little details and plans because the big things in life are so uncertain. Jeremy responded similarly to losing his dad when he was only eight years old: He loves planning like Gus loves running away. He surrounds himself with people that look to him as the ringleader. We all respond differently to big life events and I would argue that we don't really know those parts of ourselves until it's already happening. Maybe really terrible things have happened to you or maybe lots of little bad things have, so life feels really hard and you can't quite put your finger on why, but the truth is if we are being let down by this life it's probably not our parents fault and it certainly isn't God's.
I hate M.S. and how fragile it makes my mom feel. She's generous and funny and creative and honest and really good to her friends and the best listener. Most of my childhood memories are of her running around, not cleaning or cooking, but planning fun events for everyone in the neighborhood (pool parties, birthday parties, card nights, bonfires, camping trips,...) She is literally on the phone in most of our home videos, most likely planning a get together or talking about something funny that happened at the last get together. I think we're probably more alike than we recognize and her love for people is a card she dealt me.
What I am trying to say mostly is what Mr. Rogers said, "Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetimes work, but it's worth the effort". It's important to look back and reflect and it's important to be responsible with our futures but I think it is paramount to our happiness to recognize who we are, where we are right now, and give power to the beautiful and lovely things that touch our lives' every day. In honor of it being 11 years since Mr. Rogers passed away (February 27th, 2003) I would like to make a simple list of 10 lovely things that happened in the last 24 hours:
I got an email saying part of our trip to Mexico has been paid for by the bride. I could go on about Joslyn Mae, but I might just have to write an entire blog post about her generous heart.
I laughed so hard I peed a little, whilst judging the USF Olympics Pairs Figure Skating event last night.
Beck slept well.
Jeremy surprised me and brought breakfast home from work between his split shift.
Beck & I got out of the apartment and went to the Butterfly House where it's warm and humid and feels a lot like heaven this time of year. He was squealing with glee and running so fast I couldn't keep up with him.
I ate chips and queso for lunch...which I will pay for later (thank you, lactose intolerance). BUT IT'S JUST SO GOOD! Can I get an amen? Queso.....insert snarly face.
I have time to process and write a blog.
Gus is snoring next to me as I write and he hasn't done anything to make me mad yet today (hard core example: He ate play-doh two days ago and puked everywhere).
Beck's little body is fighting RSV & Jeremy's boss let us use her nebulizer and it helps immensely.
It's the weekend.
I know bad things are constantly happening and I have horrible, no good, very bad days too, but can we at least try to live in a Pollyanna world and play the "Glad Game" as much as humanly possible? Maybe if we give power to the good around us and live knowing we don't have that much control over what happens to and around us anyway...we will let tomorrow worry about itself and pee our pants laughing a little bit more. At least, that's what I want to be doing.
love,
t.
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