contemplating worth

Jesus spent a lot of his time on earth focused on showing us how to be in community with one another. Jeremy and I often joke about how we've chosen to live our married lives' for the last 7 years. We have never been "just the two of us". We bought our first home with an apartment in the basement so our best friends could live with us. We still have sleepovers. It's different than what the world tells us, right? The world tells us to care about ourselves. The world tells us to work-to make more money-to get more stuff and than we, more often than not, end up resenting that stuff because it's so much work to maintain it all. We are also told that if we don't have " impressive titles" or "advanced degrees" or "nice things" we aren't worthy of the same respect or care that those with the fancy titles and stuff have. I'm calling bullshit on the whole thing (to take a quote from the movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting"). People are what is important. Not what they make or what they have. Max Lucado says, “When you are in the final days of your life, what will you want? Will you hug that college degree in the walnut frame? Will you ask to be carried to the garage so you can sit in your car? Will you find comfort in rereading your financial statement? Of course not. What will matter then will be people. If relationships will matter most then, shouldn't they matter most now?"

Don't get me wrong. It is absolutely important to work hard. I have had a job since I was 16 (usually two and sometimes three at one time). Almost every employer I've had has put their trust in my integrity and work ethic. One of my favorites said this, "I know I work harder for boss' who trust me to do a great job...so that's what I'm going to do with you. I am going to trust you and ask your opinion and if something isn't right..we'll handle it when it comes". Guess what? I worked extra hard and more confidently because he trusted me. It's not brain surgery, people. If we trust God is good and he can work that good into his people...our mission is so much greater and less stressful. Micromanaging people looks exhausting and makes people resent each other, because we have to recognize we are not in charge...God is! But, I digress.

I was a manager at a store in the mall when I first graduated from college and hated it but I diligently woke up before the sun, turned up the music, danced, and rallied the underpaid workers to do the best dang floor sets we could muster up. I'm not saying this to toot my own horn; I simply want to make note of the fact that this Dutch girl knows what a good old fashioned job is. I love working, but work to me isn't just a pay check. Work is making sure my Janitor knows he is my friend and vital, maybe even more so than I am, to the success and care of the dorm we run together. Work is letting my RA's know I care about the well being of their souls. Work is checking in with my co-workers and making sure they know they are valued. Work (and life, in general) is what Shane Claiborne talks about in his book "Irresistible Revolution" when he says, "And I think that's what our world is desperately in need of - lovers, people who are building deep, genuine relationships with fellow strugglers along the way, and who actually know the faces of the people behind the issues they are concerned about." I have learned I am incapable of just clocking in and doing a job without a higher purpose: from working for the terrible company of Abercrombie & Fitch, to being a "helpful smile in every aisle" at good 'ol HyVee, to the dormitories.

I want to back up just a little bit. The last 4+ years I have been called to serve and share my life, family, and home with the residents of "Sullivan Faith & Living Center". I am handed approximately 185 souls every year and more specifically, 11-13 Resident Assistants (RA's) to invest in. There is nothing better than watching the internal process of girls and boys becoming strong, independent, loving, men and women of faith. A few months ago there was a costume contest/dance. My RA's and I went as Mario Kart characters. We went thrifting, dumpster diving, and hand crafted our karts. I went to bed at 2am. When it was time for the grand march, all 13 of them pretended to be in the throws of an epic battle (banana peels, helium balloons, and all). I was watching from the sidelines when Lily legitimately slipped on a banana peel and Ethan fell on top of her. I laughed so hard that I couldn't breathe. We won the contest, for the third year in a row, but that's not what brought me the most joy. It was watching Cameron rally everyone on the dance floor in a Donkey Kong costume. His first dance (a year and a half ago) consisted of him in a corner, doing his best move I dubbed "The Finger Pointer". This year, he was the one rallying everyone to experience the joy of not caring. It was Nick, sneaking away to put on his homemade Toad costume, and coming down looking silly and happy. It was Matt, telling everyone to "leave it all on the dance floor" for the grand march. It was all of us coming together and sweating our faces off. It was so much more than a costume contest. Amy Poehler says it best when she says, "There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do". The older I get, the more I believe this to be true.

I have decided that I am intentionally, and lovingly, setting my sights for right where I am. I don't desire to work my way up the "ladder of success". I thought, for a minute, I did. I believe I can...mostly, because my best boss' have said I'm capable of it, Jesus loves me, and my husband says so. But from where I am sitting it seems that the more serious we take ourselves, the easier it is to lose sight of the mission we started out pursuing in the first place. I am so in love with the ministry God has placed in my lap for this season. It will end. It has to, but I recently told a friend of mine my ultimate goal. I want to look back and say I left this place a little more joyful, a little more loved, and a lot more sprinkled with people asking the question, "What does she have?" I'll let you in on it...it is the hope of Jesus. He's the only reason I can continue to feel 100% satisfied with myself and my work.

I just re-watched the first Hunger Games and creepy President Snow is in this scene with Seneca Crane (the game director) and he says something that has stuck with me. President Snow is an evil dictator. People in his districts are starving and he's cutting his perfect roses in his perfect rose garden and has this conversation with Seneca:
President Snow: Seneca... why do you think we have a winner?
Seneca: What do you mean?
Snow: I mean, why do we have a winner? I mean, if we just wanted to intimidate the districts, why not round up twenty-four at random and execute them all at one? It would be a lot faster. Hope.
Seneca: Hope?
Snow: Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. Spark is fine, as long as it's contained.
Seneca: So...?
Snow: So, contain it.

Snow is terrified of hope. I want to be dangerous in this way; in whatever I do. Whether it's Resident Director, or mother, or wife, or friend...or things I am about to do that I don't even know about yet.

It's scary and wonderful to be on this side of things. To know who's on my team and to know it's a bigger battle than I can even imagine.

I am currently listening to the song "Oceans" by Hillsong United (the acoustic version).
The bridge is so powerful and as I reflect on community, turning tides, and moving where you are...sharing it seems to be the best way to end this post that's been boiling in my soul for a few months:

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders----
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

*t