Keep On Dreamin'

"Some dreams stay with you forever,

Drag you around but bring you back to where you were.

Some dreams keep on gettin' better,

Gotta keep believin' if you wanna know for sure.

Ohhh, I can hear 'em singin',

Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart.

Keep on dreamin'

Don't let it break your heart.”

I’m not normally one for Country music but marrying Mr. Wild West has softened me to the whole scene.  These are a few lyrics to a song he loves called “Even If It Breaks Your Heart” and it’s been in my head the last few days.

This journey isn’t always easy.  For you. Or me.  Or anyone that’s trying to do right and be good and believe it’s all going to be ok.  I’ve been reading through Ecclesiastes lately; I’m drawn to it when things get confusing and I read this today, “A man may have a hundred children and live many years; yet no matter how long he lives, if he cannot enjoy his prosperity and does not receive proper burial, I say that a still born child is better off than he.  Though it never saw the sun or knew anything, it has more rest than does that man - even if he lives a thousand years twice over but fails to enjoy his prosperity.  Do not all go to the same place?”  That seems really harsh but hit me because I want to be, and believe I usually am, so grateful for the prosperity that is all around me.  Jeremy and I have said over and over that if we get to be old and gray together and look back and our boy is what we made; it will be a life well lived.  It doesn’t change the fact; however, that we have been hoping for a positive pregnancy test for a year now.

I hadn’t cried about our fertility issues until this past weekend.  We popped by a birthday party of a good friend and there were so many perfect, swollen bellies that it took my breath away. It was the first time I felt like I fit into the “other” category (not pregnant or not trying to get pregnant).  Pregnant women, as they should, tend to talk about being pregnant a lot.  I do not have a hard time being around friends who are pregnant, because I know their stories and I love their babies’ heartbeats, as the miraculous victories they are.  It’s women I don’t know and it is not anyone’s fault.  I have thoughts, albeit unfair, like, “I hope you wished for this baby” and “I hope it wasn’t so easy; that you don’t know what you’ve got” or “Please don’t say you hate being pregnant” or “Please don’t brag about how fertile you are” or “Please don’t joke about what gender you’re having and how you wish it was the other”.  I think I feel extra sensitive to people’s words about babies because I’ve had a lot of friends who have experienced so much heartbreak.  I also understand people (myself included) say stupid things; whether it’s about babies or marriage or really anything…we get nervous or thoughtless and just say things. 

An update on us:  I have skipped a few periods (which feels like a sick joke because I have to keep taking pregnancy tests and after 10 days of negative tests; I take a medicine to force me to get my period), I had one period that lasted 14 days (which they said was probably good because I hopefully shed endometriosis that had been building up), I have been on fertility medicine for 4 months (which makes me feel sweaty and a little hostile) and have only ovulated once in the last 6 months. 

So, there it is.  Writing about this topic makes me feel more vulnerable than writing about any other topic.  It’s so specific and private and close to my heart, but today when I was questioning whether or not to post these words…I thought, “If it makes someone feel like they can be vulnerable with me about their story or it helps someone else’s heart heal or it helps someone be more sensitive with their words; it’s worth it”.   

Why start being private now, right?  I'm sort of the Lorelai Gilmore of my friends and family; I say things how I see them to be true.  I like that about myself.  

And, in the words of my good friend Eli Young, "Some dreams keep on gettin' better, Gotta keep believin' if you wanna know for sure".