half way there and learning how to surrender.

Next week I will be 20 weeks pregnant and it's time to share something very intimate and precious to my heart. It isn't easy. It starts out as a story of pride and selfishness, but ends with grace and gratitude. A true love story:
Jeremy and I have been married almost 5 years. We met in the fall of 2003. I've learned a lot about loyalty and compromise. I didn't know that I could love someone like I love him. I know his body language, what to do when he's about to lose his temper, his passions, his love for adventure and competition, his weaknesses, his fears, how to lovingly challenge him...and I'm still learning~I hope to always be learning, but this isn't just a story about Jeremy and I.
I started our married life together vehemently not wanting children. I knew we would want them some day, but also that we had a lot to learn. I will be the first one to say that in our first year of marriage we were not ready to add a baby to the mix. I adore my husband, but we had very different ideas about what it meant to be married. We've come a long way.
I didn't really get the "baby itch" until about a year and a half ago. Jeremy said he was up for it whenever it happened. I admire that about him...he just believes that we can do anything if we're doing it together. I felt like we'd married young - and wanted to live life, travel, learn, figure out our careers and how to be married before we started thinking about a child. Selfish? Yes. I would also argue that I wouldn't give up the last 5 years of progress for anything.
This is where my selfishness takes a back seat and God teaches me a few things:
May of 2010 we decided we were going to get off birth control and told a few of our friends that we were going to start trying. We naively thought that it would be an easy process for us. We are young. We are healthy. We thought we were ready. I seriously calculated in my head that it would take no longer than 4 months. In September I took a positive pregnancy test and felt pretty stinkin' proud of how things were panning out. That was a Sunday. I had an early miscarriage two days later - at work. Jeremy and I had told ourselves that it hadn't affected us that much...that we weren't really attached to the idea or the baby and that we were ok. We had internalized our feelings to cope with that loss, but had interesting symptoms together in the following 2 months: We both lost a lot of hair and threw ourselves into work, working out, and just kept trying. I started to have really irregular periods. I had about 2 periods from the months of September to December and then I started to have it every other week from December to February. I thought that it was my body adjusting to being off the pill, but we finally decided to go to the doctor in March. I had an ultrasound - which showed that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS) and Endometriosis. I felt relieved to know that something was wrong and could be helped. I felt sad. I felt a little bit broken...like maybe I was disappointing Jeremy since it was a possibility that I couldn't make a baby with him. Our doctor had said that a lot of women are being diagnosed with both of these things and she would start me on medication right away. She put me on two meds in April: one was supposed to force ovulation and one was to help balance my hormones and insulin levels. Jeremy was incredible during this time. We talked about adoption ~ how that would be such a blessing.
Our quote from this time - which helped me immensely was this, "We would rather be blessed with an amazing marriage without children than have 20 children and not be happy with one another". I still believe this to be true, but in comes Jesus' plan for us:
We made peace with ourselves and where we were in life and stopped trying to control. That's when it happened. On May 30th, 2011 (one year after we started this life lesson and on Jeremy's birthday)...I was all by myself. My doctor was going to put me on a medication that forced me to get my period because I was late and had blood work that showed that I hadn't ovulated that month. I thought to myself, "I have one pregnancy test left...I'm 99% sure I'm not pregnant, but I don't want to take this medication tomorrow if I could have even a 1% chance of being pregnant". I took it and it was immediately positive. I didn't know what to think or do with myself because I was afraid. Afraid to hope or believe that it was true...my blood test had shown that I hadn't ovulated...so how could it be?
I texted my friend Traci a picture of the test and she immediately called and said, "Go buy 3 more tests and get over to my house now". Sure enough - three more positive tests. I'll write about Jeremy's reaction and how I told him later (he was at work until midnight on his birthday). We went to the doctor the next day ~ and she confirmed it. She said I had ovulated late and the baby was about 6 weeks. This life was conceived the very first possible second that it could have. I had probably not had a regular cycle for over a year and this little baby, I believe with all of my heart, was patiently waiting for Jeremy and I's hearts & bodies & minds & souls to be really ready. Ready to be parents. Ready to be thankful for the miracle of life. Ready to put our pride down and trust in the Lord's timing.
I have to be honest. I haven't allowed myself to really BELIEVE that it's going to happen until about 3 weeks ago. I thought maybe I was still learning that it isn't all about me. I'm starting to show and I felt the baby move at 18 weeks (last Wednesday). It's real. Jeremy and I are going to be parents, and not because we know what's right or because we'll be the perfect parents, but because God was ready for us to make this life together. I know that a lot can still go wrong...but I'm almost half way there. I surrender. I'm going to be the best mom I can be to this baby and I'm going to teach it all about Jesus and how He made him or her perfect.
My PCOS and endometriosis are dormant while I'm pregnant. This life inside of me is literally taking care of my health problems. How is that for amazing? God is good and he makes everything beautiful in His time. I've never believed that more to be true then I do now.
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